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Claremont Independent | July 29, 2014

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Claremont Confessions: Expect the Unexpected

Claremont Confessions: Expect the Unexpected
Amelia Evrigenis

Nothing shows the 5Cs’ true colors like the Claremont Confession Facebook page, where students mired in the collegiate bubble of elite academia pour out their deepest secrets and most profound philosophical reflections.

Let me begin with a confession of my own: I cannot stand Claremont Confession. In fact, I unfriended the thing after a couple months because I was so sick of its dreadfully annoying posts appearing on Facebook every five seconds. But I felt a certain responsibility to warn you fine freshmen about the perils that you’ll soon face every time you check your news feed, so I re-added the account to refresh my memory on the nature of these posts. I guess you could call that sacrificial love.

I’ve compiled below a list of 10 typical posts you can expect to find in Claremont Confession. Friend it at your own risk.

1. Constant rants and links to articles expressing students’ political frustrations

Because students at the Claremont Colleges really enjoy provoking political “discourse” with people who already, for the most part, agree with them.

2. Occasional posts that actually spark legitimate political debates

People get pretty heated on Claremont Confession…

3. The privilege confessions

Expect to be told to check your privilege roughly 847,528 times a day.

4. People expressing their sexual woes

I’m really sorry to hear it, but I also don’t want to hear it.

5. Benevolent posts intended to improve your sex life

Some 5C students like to pour out their wisdom on others.

6. Posts about the human body that actually do make you laugh, even if you won’t admit it

Like this one I found: “Farting loudly alone in my room is literally the most satisfying feeling.”

7. Confessions about boobs

Scrolling through, I’ve seen several posts from confessors stating that they love their boobs, love touching their boobs, love talking about their boobs, etc. I’ve also seen posts on butts. Big butts, small butts, people who can work their butt, etc.

8. Confessions about human feces

I suppose people just don’t have another outlet to discuss this topic.

9. Confessions that legitimately express extremely sad and tragic events that fellow students have endured.

Suicide, cutting, depression, etc. These ones aren’t easy to read, especially knowing that they were posted by our very own classmates. We may be in the Claremont Bubble, but a lot of us are still really struggling, and if you’re one of those people, you’re not alone.

10. 5C turf wars

“Haters gonna hate?” Screw that! Let’s spew off insults about how much we hate Pomona – or Pitzer, or Scripps, or Mudd, or CMC. Fortunately, some nonconformist commenters will usually grace such confessions with musings about how the Claremont Colleges should follow in the footsteps of the fine city of Philadelphia and become a “consortium of brotherly love.”

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